Posts Tagged "craigslist trolling"
Craigslist Ad taken from here. Preserved on HELP FEED THE TROLL for eternity.
Girl with the bright blond weave who works in reception– I don’t know how you got your job, you are so uneducated it makes me sick. Did you graduate grammar school? I think I would respect you more if the answer to that is no. I want to throw a rock at your face every time I walk by when you are answering the phone and you say something like “who you callin’ for?” or “he in a meetin’ right now” or my personal favorite, “who this is?” I bet the people on the other end of the phone want to throw a rock at your face too. I also can’t stand when I get message notes from you that are written like so: Mr. Smith called hes wanting to kno wen he shuld ecspect the letter of aprovle. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It amazes me that the only two things in your job description are answering phones and taking phone messages and you can’t do either of those things!
Tall girl in design with the short brown hair– You have horrendous body odor! I’m not talking a little stench here and there I am talking everyday when you walk into the building people drop dead. I don’t know how you don’t notice it. I’m going to buy you deodorant for Christmas.
Fat woman who works in suite 19– I don’t know exactly what you do for this company, but I know far too much about your personal life. When you talk to your boyfriend on company time, please refrain from telling him it felt so good when he slipped his hard dick into your fat ass! Yea I heard that, and so does everyone else that walks by your suite when you are on the phone. It’s disgusting, and we don’t want to hear about it, so keep your voice down.
Blond woman who works for accounting– I know that you are 30, not 25 and I also know that at the Christmas party last year you had sex with the bosses son in the broom closet and that he got you pregnant. Please don’t insult me in front of our coworkers again or I will tell everyone.
Hot girl that works in sales– When you wear that brown skirt with the white flower on the bottom and you sit down, we can all see that you don’t wear panties.
Boss’ old receptionist– My name is not, John, Jason, Jack, Jim or Jared, it’s Evan.
Middle age woman who works in reception– Your job is not that hard. You answer phones, put people on hold, and take messages. I don’t care that you were up late cleaning the house or that you sat up all night waiting for you delinquent son to get home, that does not give you a reason to get rude with a customer or walk around bitching about how your job is so stressful. Half of us come in still drunk from the night before, but we never yell at clients, bitch about our family members or say our jobs are soooo hard.
Pregnant bitch– There is only one of you, so no need for further description but let it be known that you are not the first person to ever get knocked up! You are not the first person to get heart burn, you are not the first person to get morning sickness. You are not the first person to pee their pants because the baby put too much pressure on your bladder and you certainly are not the first person who has had strange cravings for cheese and anchovies. Stop complaining about it!
Pretty girl who is head of the writing department– You are the only girl who works in this office that I can stand. You greet me every morning with a bright smile and a cheery hello. And you are so damn smart. No wonder you are 22 and head of the department that could pretty much make or break our company. One time I asked you the Circumference of the earth and you knew it! Usually I would think that is weird and dork but from you, I find it really hot. I also like that you are the only girl in the company that hasn’t slept with someone that works with us. But for the record, if you slept with me, I wouldn’t respect you any less.
Hispanic girl who works in design– You wear way too much makeup, I hate that you draw your eyebrows on, and I’m pretty sure you have an adams apple and are a man.
35 year old secretary– You have a 20 year old son, and a 15 year old son… yet you dress like you are 16. I would be embarrassed to be your children. Oh and you look really stupid when you wear that plaid school-girl skirt with the white tights and hooker boots. This is an office… not a brothel.
HEY RICH-ASS DOG OWNERS:
Are you at the office 23 hours a day in a coke-fueled effort to squeeze every last penny out of your 20s and 30s?
Are you going out of town with your post-divorce trophy-girlfriend to visit your slave ship collection in the Barbados?
Do you work for a corporation that received TARP money?
I AM YOUR DOG-WALKER.
I am the most radical, bitchin’, mind-blowing dog-walking experience in all of New York City. All dogs are STOKED when I’m around, regardless of breed or sex. Your dog is gonna be on me like Charlie Sheen on a porn star made of amphetamines; when I’m ascending toward your penthouse suite in your private elevator, bitch’s nipples are gonna be ROCK HARD.
Do I have experience walking dogs?
I’M A HUMAN BEING, OF COURSE I HAVE EXPERIENCE WALKING DOGS. THIS ISN’T LINEAR ALGEBRA, FOLKS; IT’S DOG-WALKING.
Are you thinking you want someone with better credentials, someone that’s been vetted by one of those fancy-schmancy agencies with a dumb-ass pun for a name?
FLIP THE SWITCH: I went to Princeton University, I got a 1600 on my SATs, and now, for 15 bucks an hour, your precious little dog can be my f*cking master.
Are you one of those prototypical American success stories who worked your way up from nothing to live the dream, and now you want to gloat over an Ivy League grad who has been reduced to posting a dog-walking classified on skeezy-ass Craigslist?
You can shadow me while I walk! Take pictures of my pathetic face as I handle your dog’s feces with nothing but a plastic bag over my hand! I’ll wear my Princeton lettermen’s sweater! I might even cry!
Forget the agencies; I will walk your dog for less money, and I’m not some weirdo art school dropout who claims to be “in sub-verbal communication” with your dog.
I’M JUST A GUY WHO WANTS YOUR MONEY AND WILL WALK YOUR DOG TO GET IT.
Do I do overnights?
YOU BET YOUR BOATHOUSE, BUDDY!
I will sleep in your sweet-ass apartment and tend to your dog while doing it. Don’t want my poor-person skin sullying your ostrich-feather sheets? I’ll sleep on the floor! Don’t want my poor-person hair secreting oils all over the pearl-white tiles? I’ll sleep in the crate with the dog! Sh*t, as long as I’m allowed to turn on the heat, I’ll curl up in a ball and sleep in your sink WHILE THE WATER RUNS OVER MY NAKED BODY!
Am I going to steal your jewelry? No, I’m not. Am I going to jack your electronics? No way, man. Am I gonna eat some of your food? Probably, but nothing you’ll miss, maybe an apple.
I’M NOT ABOUT TO TAKE A BATH IN YOUR FOIE GRAS, MONEYBAGS.
I’m a good guy, and I’m just looking to make a little extra cash by chaperoning your dog around your stupid white bread sidewalks. So if you’re interested in the dopest, most swagged-out LEGEND OF THE UNIVERSE dog-walking champion of New York City, reply to this ad and we’ll get started in making your dog happier than a Mormon on his honeymoon.
So act now, write me. I’m excited to meet you and your dog, and I am sure as motherf*cking c*cksucking sh*t that your dog is excited to meet me, too.
Serious inquiries only, please.